By the King’s Jester (Fou du Roy) (pseudonym)
A spiral. This is how I feel during the pandemic. A spiral of emotions, negative on one side and positive on the other. Lots of questions lurk in my mind. I belonged, I lived, I did so much in the name of the race and the gang. Too much suffering. Just thinking about it makes me nauseous.
“I feel like I’m swimming against the tide in a whirlpool in the middle of the sea, trying not to sink and keep my head above water.”
Too many times I have tasted blood: is it forgivable? In these times of loneliness and isolation, I have to fight my demons from the past: those who have protected me from tears, from suffering, from others. Belonging to an ideology ensured that, even alone, I had my fight, my race, my shell for everything around me. It is wrong to say it is only negative, as it gave me comfort. I cut myself off from everything and everyone except the gang.
I feel like I’m swimming against the tide in a whirlpool in the middle of the sea, trying not to sink and keep my head above water. It is not easy to fight your demons and the spiral of hatred: when you have shame in your heart because of the actions carried out, the crimes committed, the life taken.
Would I ever be able to forgive myself for all the hate and gratuitous violence? The hardest part of all is the feeling of being nobody and offering nothing of myself in life. Before, I was a very violent and feared skinhead. After 15 years of work, I am myself. What does that mean? I have to find my way, so as not to fall into madness, because loneliness is my worst enemy. Being on my own with myself isn’t always easy, but I’m lucky to have good people around me.
“Belonging to an ideology ensured that, even alone, I had my fight, my race, my shell for everything around me.”